Wes Streeting Outraged Water Molecules Allowed to Change State Without Asking Him First

Lover of sailing metaphors and answer to the question ‘who could Keir Starmer appoint as health secretary who could be anywhere near as unlikeable as Jeremy Hunt?’, Wes Streeting has spoken out against the transition of H2O molecules from ice to water and back again, arguing they simply haven’t consulted him.

Streeting told TLP, ‘often people don’t know what’s best for them, or even for their children. Luckily, I do. Molecules should retain their state of matter until I give them permission to do otherwise. I don’t care if silly things like the application of heat or the kinetic energy of the system make them feel like they need to change. From now on life is going to be a huge game of Simon says, except I’m Simon, and I mostly tell people to stay exactly as they are.’

When not consulting the Potterworld forums or pretending he’s ever watched a single round of women’s boxing, Mr Streeting enjoys playing Pokemon; he’s said to particularly love the research side to the game, meticulously filling out his Pokedex and collating hundreds of findings, before ignoring them all and blindly glorifying the one entry that supports his worldview.