UK Government to Bring Making Old Men Walk Around in Circles to Industrial Level

Good News! After the astonishing success of the Captain Tom Moore Foundation in funding a much-needed spa for his family, Rishi Sunak has identified that the whole ordeal was actually the most successful capitalistic venture the UK has seen for quite a while.

As such, the government has launched a new campaign giving people over 90 the (mandatory) opportunity to retrain from ‘retired’ to ‘track star’ and give their pensions to the treasury for safe-keeping. Participants will be richly rewarded with the promise of at least one reluctant birthday text a year from a loved one on a phone they don’t understand and the opportunity to have someone notice if they die.

Mr Sunak hopes that with enough of the aged population gently circling clockwise around various purpose-built gardens, the government will be able to afford much greater investment in crucial infrastructure, like adding a sauna to Downing Street or printing leaflets about why we can’t finish HS2.

Keir Starmer has strongly criticised the campaign and offered a wildly different solution consistent with his opposition; getting the pensioners to walk anti-clockwise instead.