Trump Administration to Ban Study of Classics in Crackdown on Latin America

Donald Trump, best known for his guest appearance in Season 4 Episode 25 of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, has signed an executive order to entirely ban the study of classics in the United States as part of a concerted effort to combat all things Latin in the country.

Mr Trump told the media “my voters have told me they hate Latin Americans and want them gone. I told them I didn’t know this was such a problem, I thought the Romans went extinct when they got hit by that meteor, but I’ll see what I can do. And I looked into it (I’m the best at looking, no one does it better than me) and it turned out there are tens of people across the country who speak this language (a terrible language) and at least five of them spend enough time outside to teach it to someone else.”

“Someone also told me they’re speaking Latin at these Catholic masses, and I said that can’t be right, somebody would’ve told me, but I went down with JD Vance (a very fine man, very Catholic, maybe the most Catholic) to a church, and there it was, all sorts of words we couldn’t understand, like ‘compassion’ and ‘love’.”

“Someone started singing a hymn called ‘Agnus DEI’ and I stood up and left. I stopped to pick up some coins from a collection box but then I was gone. A man in a dress with a big cross chased after me for a bit but I got away because I’m so fast, maybe the fastest? Anyway I’ve made an exception for these guys, the Catholics, because I wouldn’t want to upset our beautiful Hispanic folk. The proud Hispanic community shouldn’t have to suffer while we crack down on the terrible threat of Latin America, nobody knows better than me (who could?) the powerful and diverse beauty of South American cultures, once we have removed the influence of the Roman Empire we can really get down to welcoming our supercontinental brothers and sisters to our country.”

Elon Musk is said to be on thin ice for his ‘Roman Salute’ at Trump’s inauguration, but we are told he has escaped punishment by assuring Donald that it was just an innocent ‘Sieg Heil’.